I had the opportunity to visit with my oldest friends from Moscow - Ira and Yuri. I met Ira in 1988 when I was student at the Pushkin Institute. She had taught Russian to a former Russian teacher of mine from Penn. We met in the summer as she was just going off to St. Petersburg for her annual holiday. Her fiance, Yuri, was working in Moscow and he and his friends used to come over to play frisbee football at the Pushkin Institute with us. We used to sneak them into the dormitory and have great times drinking too much vodka and singing songs.

I returned in the Fall of 1989 and recall writing a song with my roommates at the Steell and Alloys Institute close to the end of the semester. It was based on the 12 days of Christmas and we titled it the 12 days in Moscow. As we were chatting over tea in their kitchen, Yuri and Ira remembered they had just recently come across a paper I wrote 16 years ago. Yuri and Ira have been living in China for nearly 5 years and were home this month on annual leave. I was grateful to meet up with them this trip, as it’s been nearly five years since I saw them last in Moscow. Yuri quickly jumped up to fetch the paper. It was yellowed on the edges, but indeed, it was my handwriting.

I run the risk of making a fool of myself, but I did write this 16 years when I was a student in the former Soviet Union. You would never apply it today.

I’m sorry if this offends anyone. However, as students in a dormitory in 1989, we found it necessary to adapt to some difficulties and explain some cultural differences through humor.

On the first day in Moscow, my roommate said to me, “Never sit down on a cold bench.”
On the second day in MOscow, my roommate said to me, “Carry tissues with you, and never sit down on a cold bench.
On the third day in Moscow, my roommate said to me, “Eat lots of salo, carry tissues with you, and never sit down on a cold bench.”
On the fourth day in MOscow, my roommate said to me, “Never talk to Georgians, eat lots of salo, carry tissues with you, and never sit down on a cold bench.”
On the fifth day in Moscow, my roommate said to me, “Zakaz a day before you’re homesick. Never talk to Georgians, eat lots of salo, carry tissues with you, and never sit down on a cold bench.
and so forth:
sixth - Slam dance on the metro
seventh - Wear dirty laundry
eighth - shower every 3 days
ninth - plaster on the make-up
tenth - love your “tarakani”
eleventh - “v gosti” for 10 hours
twelth - become an alcoholic

A few explanations: Salo, is pure lard, which was often spread on black bread with salt added. To zakaz was to order a phone call at the main post office/telephone/telegragh on Gorky street. You had to pre-oder a phone call in order to call the US. Russian women would always scold us for sitting down on cold surfaces, telling us we would get a cold or lose our fertility. The metro can be so packed, you felt like you were being slammed around. We had to do laundry in the bathtub, so we rarely did. Hot water was not always guaranteed, so we would go several days without one. Back in the 80’s heavy blue eyeshadow was the female fashion trend. Tarakani were cockroaches, which were out compatriots in the dormitory. V gosti means to go to someone’s house as a guest - which we did, and ended up staying for hours and hours and hours. Well, the last one, is sad, but true - the amount of alcohol consumption we did that semester topped my 4 years in college (almost).